In this Guest Blog, Sarah Hagger-Holt, from independent funeral director Poppy’s, explores how talking about your funeral wishes can be empowering, bring a sense of relief, and doesn’t have to be gloomy.
Once people find out that I work for a funeral director – Poppy’s in south-west London – I’ve found myself having conversations about funeral choices without even trying. Whether it’s when I meet a friend for coffee, chat with my kids round the dinner table at home, or when a stranger at a party asks me what I do. These conversations are rarely gloomy, in fact they are often interesting, uplifting, and even joyful.
This is something which affects us all. Most of us have had some experience of going to or organising a funeral. And these experiences – both good and bad – shape what we might want for ourselves, whether or not we think about it consciously or talk about our ideas with anyone else. They also raise questions in our minds about what’s possible.
Why talk about your funeral wishes?
At Poppy’s, we offer free funeral wishes consultations for anyone within Greater London, in our warm and welcoming offices in Sheen or Tooting, online or on the phone.
You don’t have to a particular age, or be experiencing ill health, to start thinking about your funeral wishes – although these can prompt people to get in touch. Often people come to us when they are updating their wills or getting their other affairs in order. They can find the process of talking through their wishes helps allay fears and brings a feeling of relief.
“It’s an open conversation and it’s led by you,” says Natalie (pictured above), who leads on Poppy’s funeral wishes consultations. “Some people already know what they want. Others are looking for more information before deciding. We provide practical advice and explain more details about options like direct cremation or natural burial to help you make the right choice for you.
“There’s no judgement about what you choose, and no attempt to change your mind. We can advise on ballpark costs but – unlike with a prepaid funeral plan – no money for funeral costs changes hands.”
Rosemary, who recently met with Natalie to talk about her funeral wishes agrees. “I had a clear idea before going in and Natalie made me feel that I should have what I wanted. I think what’s helpful is being walked through the process. With a funeral you can’t have a rehearsal, so it’s got to be done right. Our conversation was fairly matter of fact, light-hearted rather than terribly solemn.”
The same was true for Peter, who also met with Poppy’s to discuss his funeral wishes: “They didn’t say, ‘we can’t do that’ or ‘it’s too difficult’ or ‘that’s not what other people do’. They helped spark ideas and said, ‘yes, we can deal with it’.”
What Matters to You?
Different aspects of the funeral are important for different people. For many, it’s the big question of burial or cremation. For some, it’s including a religious or spiritual element – for others, it’s avoiding this altogether.
Or something seemingly small, like a particular piece of music being played, not wanting people to wear black, or finding the most eco-friendly coffin, can be the thing that matters the most.
You don’t have to make up your mind about every detail, just what’s most important to you, especially if it’s something unusual or which may come as a surprise to your family or friends. Poppy’s can talk all these elements through with you, offer advice and help you record your choices.
Sharing your funeral wishes
“We always encourage people to bring someone else to the consultation, if they want to, and to tell the family members or friends who will be organising their funeral what they have decided,” continues Natalie.
“We send you a copy of your funeral wishes after the consultation to keep somewhere safe, to share with others or to refer to yourself. This isn’t legally binding, and of course it can be updated at any time, but it’s a good indication of what you would like to happen when the time comes.”
Peter explains how he started the conversation with his family when he got home: “I discussed it with my wife later, who agreed with me. I’ve also talked about it with my elder daughter and a little with my younger daughter. It’s an ongoing conversation, but I’m very glad I’ve got as far as I have.”
Talking about death should be normal and natural
Both Rosemary and Peter talked about feeling relieved, less fearful, and more in control after talking about their funeral wishes. Their experiences are not unusual. Talking about your funeral wishes is a process which focuses on the practicalities, but it can also have a positive emotional impact. At Poppy’s we believe that talking about death should be normal and natural. Every one of us will need someone to arrange a funeral for us after we die.
Thinking through what you want, and recording those thoughts, is one way to take the pressure off those closest to you, so that they can feel confident that they are doing the right thing. If you do decide you would like a pre-paid funeral plan, thinking about your funeral wishes is an important first step.
You don’t have to rely on having a friend or family member who works for a funeral directors to be able to start a conversation about your own funeral wishes! Instead, get in touch with Poppy’s to book a free consultation or find out more on Poppy’s website.